


"A drive to love by cab" or „How to fall in love with your spouse-to-be (all over again)“

by Satyana



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Declarations Of Love, Deruned Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Fluff, Memory Loss, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alec Lightwood, POV Magnus Bane, Protective Magnus Bane, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28893057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satyana/pseuds/Satyana
Summary: After Alec was ripped of his runes and lost his memory, he tries to start over as a cab driver in New York.What will happen when one night a glittery, shiny costumer named Magnus Bane requests Alec's services?Is there a connection between the two? Which secrets need to be revealed?
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 95
Kudos: 133





	1. step 1: „regain his full attention“

**Author's Note:**

> Hey my dears, lovely greetings ! 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy the ride. If you do, please let me know :)
> 
> Thanks a lot to the lovely and wonderful S_a_b_i_n_e for reading it beta. I can't put in words how much this means to me!! You're amazing :X
> 
> Much love and hugs to you all!!
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own TMI and the characters in the shadowhunter world. What a shame ;_;

So far, Alec has been very satisfied with his night shift. Outside the building, a heavy storm is sweeping through the streets of New York. Thick raindrops are knocking on the window next to him while he enjoys his short coffee break. Rainy weather always means lots of customers. It seems as if everyone thinks they were made of sugar and would disappear the second a raindrop falls on them.

But honestly, he isn't complaining at all. More customers mean more money. It is as simple as it sounds. So in the end, their stupidity pays his bills, just by driving them safely, and more important dryly to their destinations. And he desperately needs the money; his rent can't be paid with love and air. Well with „love“ perhaps, but that is not an option for him. At least in this case and with a landlord as ugly as his.

So here he is, granting himself a small, but deserved break at his favorite local diner, celebrating the successful night. Bright smiling he sits on his usual seat and watches the raindrops flowing down the huge window on his right.

The diner has its charm literally from the 50's, but Alec likes this shabby spot nonetheless. The food is disgusting, the coffee bitter, but since the first day he walked in, he found peace here, a resting spot for his mind.

It is off the busy streets and isn't visited by casual customers what means it is quiet and the waitresses behind the counter are friendly and caring. What else does he need for a break at night?

So he is sitting at his personal safe haven while catching up on some warmth and energy in his break at 2:30 am, between his long and exhausting ten hours shift, and drinks some nasty coffee, with no sugar and no milk. Just as pitch black as the cold night outside. In Alec's opinion, coffee should taste like coffee and not like a candy bar, and definitely no fluids from any kind of animal udders should be added. Well, this one actually doesn't taste any better, but he doesn't mind as long as he is left alone in his usual corner and the caffeine kicks some life into him again.

And normally he is left alone. In the last six months since he is doing this job and keeps up his visits to this special diner at the same time every night, there were only two situations he remembers in which someone recognized him and tried to talk to him, or asked him some questions about his former life. But that was okay with him. He could handle the few people by barking at them, telling them that they should piss off; he was done with whatever past he had. Whatever life he had before the accident, it wouldn't come back. No-one looked for him and he stopped his longing search as well. He had to accept it. It was better that way than to keep on wondering where his family was.

Alec sometimes wonders why his costumers never recognize his face, but in the end he really doesn't care. Is it because his clients are mostly drunk? Or perhaps they just don't give a shit about the driver as long as he does his job properly. He quickly noticed that they couldn't care less about the driver. His job was third class. Or was he really a nobody who nobody missed?

No matter why, Alec doesn't complain. He needs this job badly. It is his only chance for a new start in New York again so far. Nobody was willing to offer him a job before. With no past there comes no degree. And well, without anything at hand, Alec couldn't get a proper job. So he took the first job he got without thinking twice. Maybe at some point in the future he would dare to think about a better future.

Well, there was one guy named Jordan who tried to support him after the accident when he woke up with no clue whatsoever. But Alec was never a man who only relied on others. He couldn't stand the thought that he needed help and so he tried to manage to stand on his own feet as soon as he could. Therefore he rejected any help from this guy and told him to back off.

At least that's what he thinks he had been as a person before the accident. Who are you if there is nothing left from you?

His thoughts are interrupted by the soft voice of Maia, a young waitress, who asks Alec if he wanted more coffee. With a small nod he accepts another fix of steamy hot liquid and mouths a silent 'thank you' towards her. With a kind smile, a real one which reaches her eyes, she leaves, giving him the personal space he needs. She is one of the rare human beings who seem to understand him.

Six weeks ago, in a weak moment, in which everything seemed to crash down on him, he told her about the accident and his struggle. Ever since she respected his need of being alone and never asked him about it again. On the contrary. Deep down in his guts he has the feeling that she is watching over him now, waiting to protect him from unknown forces. And that feels good, he must admit. He is almost grateful.

His gaze follows her movements while she walks back behind the counter. She takes her usual seat next to the bar and waits for her next customer who wants their breakfast on the fresh day. Above her, a huge clock tells Alec that his break is almost up and that he has to get back to his cab. His boss isn't one who accepts tardiness.

A cab driver must be on time, punctual like an atomic clock. If the customer arrived too late at the airport and the plane already lifted off, heads would roll.

Therefore he finishes the coffee, packs his few things, puts the newspaper under his arm and gets up. He leaves a ten dollar bill at the table, smiles at Maia and goes to the exit. When he opens the door, the cold November wind blows against his face. The weather is indeed terrible. To avoid freezing to ice he wraps himself into his warm jacket, trying to keep the cozy feeling of the diner as long as possible around him. Under his black umbrella he rushes over the empty parking lot towards his car and quickly gets inside. Immediately he turns the heater to maximum, worried to freeze to death in this car, already missing the warmth of the diner. While his body still is shanking like a leaf, he fastens the seatbelt and switches on the phone, giving his headquarter the signal that he is back online and ready to work.

„Hey, Alec, perfect timing as usual," a female voice comes over the device, cutting through the silence in the car.

„Uhm, hi, Jen…yeah, break's over. So tell me… what do you have for me?" His first question is always for the next client. Time is money they say, and it is true. Of course it saves him from needing to make smalltalk which he really hates.

„A man in front of the club Pandemonium wants a ride. He didn't tell me his destination, so don't be mad if it's only two blocks or whatever. I'll send you the address."

„Be there in ten," Alec confirms.

„Fine. Have a safe ride." The voice dies out.

Alec normally hates the idea of driving to a stranger. Not knowing anything about the person gives him an unpleasant feeling. And on top of that, not knowing where this stranger wants to go is even more scary to him. There are a lot of strange people out there and he doesn't have the urge to meet any of them. But it is his job and he had been willing to give it a try. His boss would give him the choice to decline a customer if his guts told him otherwise. So he would look at the man and then decide what to do. Alec knew the club was huge and well-frequented. He would be safe. Obviously there is nothing to fear.

That in mind Alec starts the engine, turns on the lights, and drives over the parking-lot towards the road which leads directly towards Brooklyn.

In the end he makes it in eight minutes and parks his car directly in front of the club. It is a place Alec normally wouldn't go to. Not because the club is dedicated to goth and dark rave music. He doesn't mind people getting dressed as if they directly came out of a dark fairy tale. No. But he doesn't like the fact that there are just too many people around.

He climbs out of the car, opens his umbrella, so he can lead his customer dryly towards the car, and looks up to the entrance. In front of the club is a long waiting line with people wearing black outfits with lots of leather, buckles, metal, and spikes. Every single one a piece of perfect art by themselves. He admires everyone who can confidently express themselves like this.

Alec gets a little curious, how his client will look like. Does he prefer that look as well? Alec lets his eyes scan the area for the man who looks as if he is waiting under the huge canopy that the club had built up because of the endless rain.

It is always hard to find a person in a crowd without knowing their face. Perhaps the man is waiting inside of the warm club, thinking the cab wouldn't be on time thanks to the weather? Alec starts walking towards the entrance to ask the bouncer for a waiting man inside, but gets interrupted by man with a small velvet red trolley who walks straight up to him.

The man looks somewhat strange, but Alec can't really grab why. It seems as if he doesn't give a damn about the rain or the weather. He just makes his way straight towards Alec as if nothing else mattered. He doesn't have an umbrella or a warm coat and his clothes appear to be very thin, extremely fitted and shining in bright colors. He looks like a blinking advertisement light in front of the black wearing goth crowd. And on top of everything, he exudes an amount of grace which almost dazzled him. The other man is outstandingly beautiful. Someone he could be interested in if his life were different.

Alec wants to walk over and take him under his umbrella, but the man just shakes his head and keeps his slow pace towards the taxi. As the man gets closer, Alec can't miss the amount of make-up the man is wearing or his spiked up, black hair with lots of sparkling glitter. Were there rainbow-colored streaks in it? Somehow he seems to be a bright shining alien between the blackness of the other bodies.

Alec closely watches every single motion of him. It reminds Alec of the elegant movements of a cat. That thought suits the man's eyes as they look like he wore cat-eye contact lenses in a deep yellow-green color.

Okay, Alec doesn't know why, but the man looks familiar and is fascinating him right from the start. Something deep inside of him is awakening, makes his stomach twitch. In all the good ways. Out of the blue he is sure that this man is safe. Alec can't think of him hurting a fly. The decision is made by his instincts. He definitely will give him a ride.

Alec greets the man in front of him with a polite nod, opens the backdoor, and lets the man enter the car. Alec closes the door behind the man, tucks the trolley in the trunk, and gets into the driver's seat.

He turns his body and looks directly at the man. Oh dear, that is a first. Never before did he have such a deep urge to check out a man like this. An invisible drive pulls his gaze towards the other man. Attention, Alec, he reminds himself. He must stay focused. This is work after all.

„So, uhm…. Where should I drive you, sir?"

„Denver"

„Denver? ... Pennsylvania?"

„Denver, Colorado."

The stranger doesn't just look handsome, his voice is also sweeter than sugar. Almost purring. The man seems to take his motto seriously ... The voice does things to him ... But, wait a second...

„Color… what?!" His voice sounds an octave higher than usual. What the hell is he talking about? He can't mean that, right? Right!?

„…ado to finish your word. And yes." The man doesn't even have the decency to look up.

„Uhm, that's … I don't know … about 27 hours of driving…"

„Soooo?"

„So? ... Sir, with all due respect, but are you kidding me? It's a minimum two-day ride, one way, without counting traffic or other stuff."

„What's your point?"

„What my point is? Never heard of a plane?" Alec doesn't know what annoys him the most. The way the stranger spoke to him? With his absolute calm voice as if it was the most normal thing in the world to ask for? Or the fact that he still doesn't look at Alec and instead is typing on his phone? Or is it because whenever Alec looks at him, his world comes to a halt and he stops breathing properly in the presence of this man?

„Well, thank you, darling, I'm not from the Middle Ages,“ Alec doesn't miss the bitter laugh which escapes from the customer's throat, „but planes are not a safe option right now ...“ The man presses his lips together, squeezing all the blood out of them until they are completely white. Surprisingly, Alec doesn't like it. Those lips are too precious to torment them like this, „... so would you now be kind enough and start your engine? We have a long drive ahead."

„And now the guys of 'funny camera pranks' are coming along and everybody is laughing, right?" The situation is just surreal.

„Well, ok, look ... here's the deal. You drive me to Denver, and I'll pay for everything during and after the ride. Will that help you to start driving now? It's pretty urgent!" The other man doesn't wait for the answer, he just focused back on the phone lying on his thighs. For him, the conversation is clearly finished.

Alec blinks twice in confusion. What the hell is wrong with this man!? He's extremely beautiful for sure, but his craziness just predominates.

For a moment, Alec keeps wondering whether this is a joke or not. But in the end he decides to give it a try. That man has definitely a familiar aura and Alec wants to get behind that attractive, shiny halo. And well, now he has two days to get behind all of that. And besides, if this is real and he doesn't make a huge fool out of himself, he could make a lot of money with this road trip. Yep, Alec can only win out of doing this. So why not? And if he is a fool, well, he will have a story to tell Maia the next time he is around.  
So the decision is made. Alec fastens his seatbelt, starts the engine and the lights, and heads towards the highway.

Meanwhile in the backseat, the man takes his blinking phone and opens the messenger.

[Magnus - 3:20] step 1 done.

[Jace - 3:22] Good. What now?

[Magnus - 3:23] ...step 2?

[Jace – 3:23] That would be?

[Magnus – 3:24] I've no clue...


	2. step 2: „accept the made mistakes and make the best out of it“

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus' night of the event

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey beautifuls :)
> 
> I am back for chapter two and I hope you all will like it.  
> It got a bit longer ^^*  
> Wish you all the best.  
> Stay safe and sound!

What does it take to forget something specific for a while?

Something that goes deeper and further than mundane words could ever describe? Which is so powerful and mighty that every cell in his body is longing for it?

Something that he will never be able to experience, especially in this intensity. What he only ever sees on others, but never on himself.

Something so valuable that the safest place on earth can only be within a heart and that will leave a deep suffering hole if it ever gets stolen or brutally torn apart. And once this happens, this heart is never going to stop crying, losing its ability to gain happiness forever.

At this stormy night Magnus bitterly confesses that six bottles of whiskey are definitively not the solution to this equation. Instead, he gets close to the answer, how much alcohol he’s able to tolerate as a warlock. Pretty close.

Drunken he lies on his back on the icy concrete of his balcony, only covered in a thin satin dressing gown, and looks at the wide sky above through a thick curtain of mist swirling in front of his eyes. The full moon stands high and lights up the scene below with a brutal honesty, only interrupted by some low hanging passing clouds.

Around him lie countless sharp shards, ready to take revenge for first stacking the empty bottles into a wobbly pyramid and then knocking them over, smashing them in an outburst of sheer desperation with a ball of fiery red magic. 

In one corner of the chaotic surrounding rests an unopened pizza box that he conjured up in a fit of self-torture nostalgia. The already wet content came from the pizzeria that Alec always picked up their favorite Italian food from on his way home from the Institute. At least that is what he imagines Alec doing, later on. By Lilith, it’s too complicated and thinking of it always gets him a bad migraine which he tries to rub away by softly circling over his temples to no avail.

Slowly but steadily the alcohol takes its toll, and the feeling of nausea creeps up the pit of his stomach, demanding its immediate release. His brain is pounding, tormented by thousands of tiny needles pressing against the top of his skull. They are pointed small stitches of pain that can drive one crazy, but he gladly accepts this pain. It paints over the pain in his chest. Simple as that.

As the clouds thicken and the soft moonlight fades, rain begins slightly to fall, forcing him to blink whenever a raindrop kisses his eyelashes. He opens his mouth wide and sticks his tongue out, trying to catch as many drops as possible, knowing that the world doesn’t give a single fuck about him or the grotesque grimace he is making at it.

His well-bloomed plants which are standing in pots of different sizes at the wall to his right, are bending precariously in the upcoming wind. His dressing gown’s dancing excitedly in the wind showing off his bare chest that is mystically glittering in golden shades whenever crackling raindrops are meeting rays of moonlight in between the dark clouds. The cold permeating his body turns his breaths into fleeting white clouds.

Should he have another bottle?

He can still feel his toes which begin to tremble in the now soaked socks.

He can still feel his fingers which are running through his dropped down hair.

He still feels his heart screaming out loud in pain.

Nothing is numb, nothing paralyzed, nothing repressed. Instead, everything’s throbbing and burning and the pure agony pushes him towards the edge of what he can bear.

When will this pain finally end?

Magnus knows he came far in his life, centuries old and yet a fool. He cherished all earthly feelings, desires and cravings, regardless the gender or race. They all fade into watery, gray shadows compared to what he’s allowed to feel, to experience, because of the wonderful future ahead, side by side with the man he loves.

His future husband will shine brighter than the stars above. He will let the previous world and all the surroundings stop, fall silent and restart again.

And Magnus isn’t prepared for that. The mass raining down on him is too big, like a tsunami that crashes onto the shore and carries everything away.

In his past Magnus pushed himself towards the impossible multiple times but in the end, it should be the pure, fierce love of a shadowhunter, that would make everything possible. This realization surprises him the most and completely takes him over.

If someone told him that he could feel absolute bliss, he would have just laughed bitterly. Happiness, luck, love to give and receive, all these were emotions, he never saw for himself permanently. Temporarily, yes, but not as a long living constant. Not through a man named Alec.

But it’s true, will become true. Will he ever find the right term or tense for this big new reality of chaos?

Because they were denied getting this outcome yet. 

All that remained are fleeting fragments of a future that Magnus sees, but can't grasp. A future that should have become reality already. It was predetermined that way. Magnus is sure about this, otherwise he wouldn’t have seen these images and visions the moment he had touched Alec for the last time.

Nobody should be able to see the future not even a warlock. It is an ancient rule to be exactly followed that way, unless someone’s wronged and thereby denied something important. All the charlatans who predict the future for mundanes only want to make quick money by lying and scamming. But this, this was different.

This time the universal balance was tilted. Magnus can see their haunting future; every day, every night, denying him sleep and rest, but giving him the power to fight for them. At least that’s what he concludes.

Their destiny changed the day Izzy lost her trial and Alec stepped in, taking her punishment instead. This little bugger! Of course he would do that. It was such an Alec thing to do. 

He was too impetuous, not thinking it through in all its consequences, risking everything and as a result he left Magnus, left them. Magnus understands his reasons. Family means everything to Alec, and Magnus knows that Alec would fight every demon by himself to rescue his loved ones, but losing this case in the first place was the changing act.

This time the biased Clave was a force that cut the threads of fate prematurely before the web could be spun thick enough.

Normally at this point Magnus would have said his thanks, shaken some hands, taken his payment, and gotten the hell out of shadowhunter business. But well, there was a future-husband to save.

And he just can’t forget about it.

All the visions that keep on burning before his mind’s eye head straight forward to his center, setting everything in its way on fire, blazing hot, igniting an eternal flame of love. His heart awakens like a fire-breathing dragon, ready to fight for his happiness. And the hell he will!

He knows that as long as this red-eyed dragon is proudly living in his chest, he won’t be able to stop mourning the loss. He can’t move on, now that the safe bridge to the future collapsed in front of him, he will rebel against all existing rules. 

He will melt the old metal chains of the accords and save his future family. 

And at some point, he will destroy the Clave and its regressive way of thinking.

The fourth time of ringing and vibrating of his cell phone is finally the one that penetrates through his self-pity controlled thoughts and brings his senses back to the frosty balcony; back to the raindrops hitting him with stronger force. The last colorful leaves are waving against his shivering body; at nights, the temperature goes faster towards zero due to the season. In front of his balcony, the rushing life of New York calls up from below, letting his ears ring by their loud noises, sending for him to follow. But Magnus doesn’t answer. His eyes are still fixed on the sky above him, watching the cloud formations as they steadily go by. Nothing lasts, he laughs bitterly.

The phone goes silent to start disturbing him loudly only seconds later. However, it still receives no response or any attention. Magnus can guess who’s bothering him anyway. No need to answer, Jace will soon knock on his door anyway. 

Magnus closes his eyes, his make-up blurred into a grotesque mask long ago. He longs to go back to the days when he was a toddler and thought that the moment he closed his eyes, he was invisible for others.

In front of his mind’s eyes, he is wildly riding a carousel. His curiosity lets him open one eye to check if it will stay that way, only to get disappointed. His nausea intensifies and he closes it again with a loud sigh.

Had he found the needed alcohol level to carry out the plan?

With an angry snap he instantly grills his phone when the music starts for the sixth time, showing Jace's name on the display. Finally, release... Magnus feels satisfied for the first time tonight. 

The only ring tone he desperately misses is Alec's. He misses not only his presence, but also talking to him, smelling his fragrance, his masculine scent which lets him hum in bliss. He misses laughing about his cheesy jokes or how his heart rate increases when Alec blushes over his innuendos or endearments. 

He misses feeling whole again with Alec at his side.

Jace on the other hand... he rolls his eyes inwardly in frustration. It’s so easy for Jace to talk. He is left out and can literally watch the upcoming plan sitting safe and sound on his couch or bed, or whatever he has in his room in the middle of the institute. Not that Magnus would care.

It’s Magnus who will get in touch with Alec, will talk to him, will be with him in the smallest place imaginable, pretending that he isn’t loving him, not even knowing him. And then? Then what? Just hoping that Alec will feel the same eventually? That only works in helplessly romantic mundane movies …

And what is with the fact that he is a warlock and there is a whole new world to discover again?

Hi, Alec, pleasure meeting you, and by the way, I am half demon, and oh, of course we will marry soon, but don't look so shocked, first we have to fight some evil people trying to kill me and all the downworlders, and the sex, lots of sex. Yeah, that will work. Damn!

How is this supposed to work, if he has to be in a taxi? Who came up with this stupid hijack idea!? He knows for sure, the minute he will talk to him, he’s going to spill everything. 

He’s the talkative, not the mute kind of guy for crying out loud. What might have to happen, that he wouldn’t become weak immediately?

How the hell is he going to show indifference in his eyes?

He can’t look like that. He has no reasons to feel unbiased. If not for his huge number of butterflies wildly flying in his stomach then for his feelings of guilt.

In fact, he was the one who took Alec's memories in the first place. He remembers his begging eyes and his pleading words as if it happened only yesterday.

„Magnus, please ... you have ... I can't stand the thought, knowing my siblings have to fight this war on their own now ... it would kill me being not allowed to interfere.“ His eyes were looking softly towards him, almost pleading. A look Magnus had never seen on him before, but he knew Alec's argument was sincere.

„You can't ask me that. Don't ... please ... don't do that ... I don't deserve this.“ Magnus had the urge to grab Alec by his arms and shake him until his sanity came back, but decided otherwise, let his arms fall. He felt defeated. Numb.

Alec snorted bitterly. „Me neither.“ And for a brief moment Magnus saw a shadow crossing Alec's angelic face, saw his stoic armor protecting him dissolve. His eyes reached out for comfort and Magnus instinctively stepped closer.

„Magnus,“ Alec closed the remaining gap between them, licked his dry lips, thoughtfully over his next words, „It will ... if you ...,“ his eyes locked intensely on Magnus'. „Please, I never did this before, bu t... Magnus, I beg you ... take everything you want as payment, but please, I beg you to take away my memories.“ Magnus swirled around, unable to stand his look. He sure would do everything for him. But this? It was too much to ask for. He closed his eyes, denying the falling tears.

So how could he interact with Alec and not feeling any guilt because of everything that happened? He couldn’t but look at him with anything but deep love.

Love.

Loved.

Will love.

It took him weeks to understand, sort out and accept this chaos. Centuries of experience, hours of conversations with Catarina, and lots of alcohol didn't help either.

To answer the crucial question: What does Alec mean to him?

Everything and much more. Stupid question! That’s easy to answer now with all that he learned in the meantime. But more than six months ago? What had he felt towards Alec up to the disastrous day Alec was sentenced to be deruned?

Everything and much more. Stupid question.

He had fallen head over heels in love with him. First, he recognized his stunning, breath-taking beauty and Magnus couldn't take his eyes off of him. His raven-dark hair, his pale skin and his amazing hazel-colored eyes haunted him in all kinds of dreams, wet once included.

But Alec wasn’t just a pretty face. A thought that somehow triggered something and Magnus felt that sensation of rightness clicking into place. No, Alec was more, is more. He’s loyal, kind, fearless, strong. He can go on endlessly.

After almost a century Magnus finally opened his heart and therefore he didn’t want to leave his side again.

Back then he flirted and charmed the hell out of him, trying to convince Alec how wonderful a relationship would be; he even dropped all his thick walls to drag Alec out of his closet.

Then the trial came along, and it all ended in this fucked up tragedy. At least the wedding topic was no longer on the agenda. Sooo sad, Magnus snickered evilly.

But now he has other problems than Lydia. He can’t believe his words, but these problems are much worse than looming wedding ever was.

And since he’s impulsive - understatement of the day - he couldn’t trust himself the last six months. He had to collect himself first. Otherwise, he feared, he would have told Alec everything the moment he saw him. Well, he still fears it might happen, otherwise he wouldn’t be here in the first place, trying to drown himself in liquor. Again, a fucked-up situation.

By Alec's angels, he can’t do it. He. can. not. step. into. that. damn. cab. tonight..

So far, he acted or delegated from the shadows. He was the one, who asked Jordan and his Praetor Lupus for protective help until he found further solutions. He should have known that Alec interfered because of his false ambition to achieve everything by himself. 

Too many images of the future spoke for themselves. Alec was the classification of stubbornness. And how difficult it was to get Maia into the special diner, Alec had chosen as his place to spend his break. Her eyes were Magnus' now.

Your powers were incredible, but that's not why I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you because you're wise, and you're generous, and you're brave! You're incredible! I just ... when you walk into a room there's a spark in you, magic or not, that lights up everything and everyone around you. I won't lose you. I can't.

The love I have for you ...  
Is a love that knows no bounds.

When it comes to having a family, you wouldn't be doing it alone.

A blazing flash of lightning lids up the night, bringing Magnus' mind back out of the endless ocean of countless glimpses of the future. He didn’t notice the approaching storm, his senses still too cloudy due to pure whiskey rushing through his bloodstream. Salty tears join the rivers of rain, running down his face, mourning a future that seems too good to be true.

Magnus huffs in frustration as he senses the presence of a shadowhunter penetrating his wards and snaps his right hand, whirling his blue magic around himself in a winding path. Immediately he looks halfway made up and presentable, ready and with no signs of nausea or alcohol intoxication. Okay, magic’s handy, he must admit, and understands now his future self when he saw how much he would suffer, will suffer, would have suffered from the loss of magic. Oh boy, that gave him a headache again...

He must pull himself together, he owes it to himself, to Alec, to his future self, to their children, somehow to quite a few...

He pats his thighs encouragingly and gets up, walks to the door that leads into his living area, disappearing inside. There he magics himself dry and opens the door just as Jace rises his hand to knock.

"Can't sneak up on you, can I?"

"Well, hello to you too, and nooo, you won't ever get a key," he snickers and gives Jace a warm hug. Fighting this situation side by side brought them closer together than he could have ever imagined, considering what an arrogant ass this blond, handsome man could be. But he knows that Jace is mourning too.

The ritual of the deruning was barbaric. Alec's parabatai rune was one of the last runes that got erased. So still bonded to Alec, Jace felt all his pain and agony throughout the brutal deruning process. Plus, the almost unbearable pain of losing his parabatai. Jace really had suffered a lot and needed to stay in the infirmary for some time. His physical pain had healed by now, being a shadowhunter and all, but deep inside of him, he had broken permanently.

At some point, Jace started to visit Magnus on a regular basis. Was it the fact Magnus kept Alec's memories safe and Jace could feel Alec's presence just by being near Magnus? Or the fact that Magnus knew a future Jace feared would never become real, so he needed to hear it at least? 

Magnus doesn’t know why, but no matter how, he has the urge to talk to Jace, too. Keeping Alec's parabatai sane until he could bring Alec back, that’s Magnus' goal. This he owes to Alec.

By becoming close friends, Magnus wonders in what way the last six month may have changed his future. Can the original timeline that in invisioned still get saved? Or has it already been modified in a way that makes it impossible to change? Or is it already too late for that?

No, no, no, he won’t indulge in any physical or philosophical theories again. Far too long had he discussed with Izzy over butterfly effects, time loops and quantum mechanics and so on. He had enough of this. At no point in his long life did he ever consider studying physics. He was more interested in the people behind the subject. Marie Curie had been a genuinely nice lady ...

"Want something to drink? I just sobered up, so I'm up for round two." Not waiting for an answer, he walks to his liquor cabinet and pours vodka into two glasses. "So, tell me... ," he looks at Jace and hands him a glass, "…are you chickening out?"

Jace snorts. “Are you?“ he fires back, knowing that it was another crucial question.

Magnus blinks twice and storms off towards the coffee table, grabbing a book with a violet cover, and takes it with him.

„Here.“ Magnus hands him the book as if it’s the holy grail speaking for itself, bringing all the necessary answers. Seeing an irritated impression on Jace's face, Magnus smirks, “You should work harder in your book club ... Well, no, nooo harder work there for you. Please, oh Lilith, these unbearable pictures .... “ With his right hand Magnus bangs dramatically against his temple, trying to erase the last minutes, and sinks down onto the couch.

“I better not ask?!“

“No, please. Forget I've ever said anything.“ Magnus lets his head fall back against the backrest and closes his eyes, breathing deeply in and out. No matter how hard Jace tries to distract him, and Magnus knows that’s exactly his intention, his mind keeps returning to the fact that he will soon call a taxi, get into it and then will drive away with Alec without any idea how to do it.

His nervousness rises, letting adrenaline flooding his body. His heart reacts directly by speeding up and he can hear the blood rushing through his ears.

It doesn’t help, he opens his eyes again and explains, „This is a book Cat recommended. It's about falling in love again. For married couples who have fallen down from cloud nine and want to get there back again. I mean, not that I need a book to know how to flirt with people of course.“

“Yeah, of course.“ Jace presses his lips hard to not burst into a hard laugh. “Go, get him, charmer boy.“ 

Jace borrows a chair from the kitchen and takes a seat opposite of Magnus.

“But really, Magnus, you need to give me some clues, what you have in mind. You get in the car, drive away with him and then what?“

“Hawaii?! I never been there. Would be fun I guess. Does Alec look good with tanned skin? Okay, don't say anything, he looks always fabulous...“ Jace can only roll his eyes. “Please stop drooling, Magnus.“

After a small pause Jace impatiently tries asking again. “Focus, Magnus. You can't just smash all his memories back and hide from the Clave in a cabin forever.“

Magnus is pouting. He knows he is. He won’t admit it, doesn’t care if Jace thinks he’s acting like a child. 

But why not?! Some fancy wards around them and they will live there happily ever after. Right?

“Nooo, I ... have no clue.“ Magnus lets out a breath of relief. There, he finally admitted it. But when he sees Jace's reaction he knows, it’s not what he had expected.

“Did I hear you correctly? You have NO clue?“ Jace clenches his fists, his knuckles getting white, obviously swallowing his anger.

Magnus flickers with his eyelashes, trying to look as innocent as possible, avoiding the obvious. “I ... well ... yes ... buuut, you know, ... I am the spontaneous type.“ He waves his right hand in the air to give his words the needed support, knowing well that it makes no difference in the matter. Jace lets out a deep breath through his nose, resembling a bull just before he attacks.

“If I didn't know Alec would kill me for it, I would stab you right now.“ At least he stays on his spot instead of hunting and murdering a certain warlock.

“Pff, as if you had a chance against me... Don't you remember our session three days ago?“ Magnus crosses his arms in front of his puffed out chest, only earning a pitiful smile.

“You’re trying to change the topic, Magnus.“

“No.“

“You do.“

“Noo.“

“Do.“

“Nooo“

“Magnus!“ 

With no patience left whatsoever, he slaps his thighs inexasperation. “Dammit, Magnus, it's almost time and you have no idea what to do? Fuck, you only have one fucking chance! You will play with our whole future and you wanna go by improvisation??! You have to be kidding me, right?“ he growls, feeling his anger rising from deep down in his belly, and stands up, having the urge to let off his pent-up frustration by wildly walking around the living room, kicking everything away that would accidentally cross his path.

Normally Magnus would try to calm Jace down by squeezing his shoulders, taking him in for a hug, rubbing his back by being there for him, understanding him without words. But he has no energy left for being this empathetic. Instead, he tries to focus on his upcoming plan. It may be egoistic but necessary to walk the hard and long path to victory.

“What time is it anyway?“ Magnus asks instead, slightly shocked, not believing how fast time has passed by.

“Ten minutes till departure.“ Jace answers, looking at his watch with a frown.

“Fuck! I'm not ready.“ Magnus sighs, his shoulders sagging as if the burden of the universe were lying heavily on them and some part of him knows that there’s a spark of truth swinging in these words.

“Your first sentence of the evening I can relate to,“ Jace tries to lighten up the mood, well knowing how much Magnus needs praise and support, especially while being devastated.

“The ‘fuck' or the 'I'm not ready'?“

„Both.“ With that he walks to Magnus, pulls him up and takes him into a warm embrace, giving him all the power, he needs to move on. „Go, do your magic to get you ready, princess.“ He turns Magnus around in their hug and pushes him towards his bedroom.

Magnus lets himself fall face first on his bed and snuggles into his blanket, relaxing, only disturbed by some loud demands coming from the living room. Yes, he will change eventually...

Jace's voice comes closer and Magnus knows it’s time to pull himself together. He struggles to get himself off the bed just in time for Jace to stand in the doorway, hands on his hips, looking like a mother calling his kid for breakfast the fifth time. Yes, he will change now...

He snaps with his fingers and instantly wears Alec's favorite outfit. His make-up and hair are exaggeratedly colorful, well, he needs to present himself, right? Showing himself off like a peacock. He must impress Alec right from the start.

He summons a trolley and looks at Jace, giving him a final nod while opening a portal. Without looking back, Magnus steps through it.

On the other side he avoids speaking to anybody and heads straight for the exit. There he walks to a corner opposite of the line of waiting people and summons his previously damaged cell phone, repairing it with his magic. 

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath in and out through his nose, opens them again and looks at his watch. Alec must have ended his break by now and is surely back in his car. It’s about time for Magnus to call the taxi company Alec’s working for. He dials the long saved number.

A nice lady answers his call and Magnus doesn’t waste any time. He asks directly for a driver named Alec, who – what a surprise - is free and can drive him. 

After hanging up Magnus rises his gaze up to the sky like he did hours ago, watches the moving, low-hanging rain clouds and waits for fate to catch up biting his ass.

Less than ten minutes later, a taxi appears and his Alec gets out. His eyes wander, clearly searching for his new passenger. When he walks to the bouncer, Magnus realizes that this is the moment.

The moment he worked for six months and somehow it clicks, everything comes together to form a whole picture. Finally, he knows what to do. He doesn’t need any strong alcohol, no friendly advice, no fancy books, everything he needs is within him, is him. Alec once had fallen head over heels in love with him, certainly the second time they meet he will too.

And with this newfound confidence, he begins to walk up to Alec. Upper body straight, hips swinging, a cheeky smile on his lips.

Magnus shakes his head as he realizes that Alec starts to walk towards him. He’s fully capable of walking by his own to the cab, showing his independence, pretending to be unapproachable to get Alec's full attention, and Magnus keeps up his slow pace up.

Alec greets Magnus politely and Magnus has the greatest difficulty in keeping his hands, lips or other parts off him and away from Alec. His heart’s racing and he’s sure that Alec can see the fast-pumping movement of his heart through his thin clothes. His stomach is populated by a whole flock of butterflies, he certainly emits a buzz from the many flaps of its wings. 

Oh dear, he can’t quite believe it, standing right next to him. After six long months. He slightly blacks out. Pay Attention, Magnus! he reminds himself to stay focussed. This is important after all.

Alec politely helps Magnus get into the car and then he takes seat on the driver’s side.

He turns his upper body and looks directly at Magnus who, in speechless admiration, scans and saves every square inch of Alec. 

He changed. Hardly visible to strangers, but Magnus’ attentive look sees everything. Alec lost weight. His worn-out clothes are hanging down on his slimmer frame. Dark bags under his eyes show that he’s obviously getting too little sleep and he wears his hair longer, his curls hanging low in his face, edging his hazel-colored eyes.

“So, uhm … where should I drive you, sir?" Alec asks, breaking the peaceful silence. By all of Alec Angels, he missed his voice so much, missed talking to him, hearing about his day, his opinions or thoughts, his family.

“Denver" Denver?! Why did he say Denver? Dammit, he hates his talking without thinking, fucking impulses.  
“Denver? ... Pennsylvania?" Alec’s voice sounds irritated to say the least.

“Denver, Colorado." Okay, he should stop talking immediately. Colorado, c'mon!? Well, at least it’s far away and they’ll have time to process. A lot of time....

“Color… what?!" His precise reaction… Magnus can’t blame him for being this irritated, for letting his voice sound an octave higher than usual.

“…ado to finish your word. And yes." No way can he face Alec through their ride. Firstly, because he just talks bullshit and secondly, he needs to sound cool not drooling, so he looks down and plays with his phone to distract himself from staring.

“Uhm, that's … I don't know … about 27 hours of sheer driving.” Pretty much the amount that Magnus guessed. A long trip ahead... 27 hours of spending time with Alec, what a torture...

“Soooo?" Magnus wonders if it would ever get any harder not to seem begging.

“So? ... sir, with all due respect but are you kidding me? It's a minimum two-day ride, one way, without counting traffic or other stuff." Yes, Magnus would ask the same. He knows this is insane, but necessary.

“What's your point?" Magnus inwardly prays to all possibly gods that this discussion will end soon and Alec finally starts driving or else it will end in Magnus jumping out of the car and running away deeply embarrassed.

“What my point is? Never heard of a plane?" It’s obvious that Alec’s a cabdriver not the captain of an Airbus A380. So, no, a plane is not in order.

“Well thank you, darling, I'm not from the Middle Ages,“ he snickers bitterly about the thin layer to the truth, “but planes are not a safe option right now.“ He presses his lips together, squeezing all the blood out of them until they change their color to white, just to stop himself from talking about the truth. “So would you now be kind enough and start your engine? We have a long drive ahead."

“And now the guys of 'funny camera pranks' are coming along and everybody is laughing, right?" This situation is just surreal and Magnus is fully aware of that fact.

“Well, okay, look ... Here's the deal. You drive me to Denver and I'll pay for everything during and after the ride. Will that help you to get driving now? It's pretty urgent!" Magnus wants to scream that he should drive now but decides against it. He turns his focus back to the phone on his thighs. This conversation is over.

As Magnus realizes the car’s finally moving, he opens the messenger and looks at his chat with Jace.

[Magnus - 3:20] step 1 done.

[Jace - 3:22] Good. What now?

[Magnus - 3:23] ...step 2?

[Jace – 3:23) That would be?

[Magnus – 3:24] I've no clue...

And that’s the truth.

All he knows is that he has a time span from New York to Denver, Colorado; time to gain Alec's trust. Hopefully, Alec will trust him enough to transition into step two, whatever that may be. But he will figure it out, eventually.

Magnus is torn away from his thoughts when he hears Alec's voice. He looks apologetically. “Sorry, I was in deep thoughts.“

“You don't have to apologize. It was my fault. I shouldn't assume that you were looking for a conversation on the long drive.“ 

Magnus blinks several times. This sentence is so Alec, always assuming that everything is his fault, always his responsibility. And Magnus realizes that not only Alec could fall in love with him for a second time. Instead, Magnus' feelings can take new roots within him again, too.

“No, no, god, no. Of course we can chat. “ He smiles encouragingly at Alec. “What did you say?“

“I said my name... Alec... I'm Alec. Nice to meet you!“ His smile meets his hazel eyes and Magnus freezes, unable to tear his gaze away from the other’s. 

When Magnus doesn’t answer, Alec tries again. “What's your name?“ Curious looking eyes peer at him through the rear mirror.

This distraction is a curse. Magnus imperceptibly shakes his head, refocusing, getting away from those eyes - those insanely pretty eyes. He painfully clenches his jaw to bring himself back to the present.

“Oh, sure, we haven't been formally introduced. I'm Magnus ... Magnus Bane,“ he charmingly says, suppressing the urge to stick his hand towards Alec, which would be totally ridiculous, considering Alec is driving.

“So, Magnus, tell me, where did you buy your contact lenses? They are very ... unique.“

“What?!?“ Magnus immediately regrets that his voice sounded hissing sharply when he sees Alec winces slightly in front of him, but his amazement is too great. 

What’s this? He doesn’t understand. Which contacts? He isn’t wearing such things. 

And his glamour is up. 

Is it??? 

He looks into the rear mirror in panic, but the eyes, he hopes to see, are directly looking back at him. So, what’s this all about? Alec can’t see through his glamour, right? Right!? Oooh, boy.

Magnus’ eyes nearly pop out in fear and his jar drops open, leaving him looking totally dumbfounded. 

Alec keeps looking at him through the mirror and Magnus can see his uncertainty. He deeply regrets hissing at him that way. 

“I am sorry. I didn't mean to offend. I ... I ... honesty I … like them. It should have come out as a ... compliment.“ The last words are only a whisper, coming from a deep red blushing Alec and Magnus can't help but melt away like spring snow. 

Did Alec just gave him a compliment? He knows, Alex loves his cat-eyes, but …

It takes Magnus quite some time to processes this shocker and to come back to the fact, that there is a bigger problem. That Alec is seeing his real eyes. 

Magnus’ face is losing color and it gets harder for him to breathe. His forehead is getting wet from sweat, his nerves are tingling.

Is this how a panic attack feels like? 

His breathing quickens. Not even ten minutes into driving and nothing works according to his plan. The nonexistent plan. How on earth can Alec see his eyes?

How will this go on from here? What’s happening!?

Magnus starts screaming inside. He needs to give Alec an answer, too much embarrassing time has passed already.

But what should he answer?

He longs to go back to his balcony with six bottles of whiskey in his body.


	3. "restart the communication"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings :)
> 
> I am sorry for taking so long to update this chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it :)
> 
> And I want to thank my wonderful beta S_a_b_i_n_e. You are amazing!!

Chapter 3: „restart the communication“

“... and that was the reason why Ragnor sprang naked into the Trevi fountain and got arrested afterwards,“ Magnus says and smiles mischievously, trying hard to suppress a laugh. With his right hand he carefully swipes away his tears of laughter, saving most of his make-up. He changed the year and the century, otherwise he stayed close to the true event.

“Oh c'mon. I refuse to believe this!“ Alec chuckles lowly, looking through the rear mirror every once in a while. “In no universe would anyone do that,“ he continues and shakes his head to emphasize his point vehemently. Not for Magnus’ dubious story, but more for the situation itself. 

It is surreal to say the least, and yet both are here, sitting in his cab, driving hundreds of miles together, talking about Magnus' life as if they had been friends since forever.

And they indeed talked a lot in the last three hours since destiny blessed Alec with the most beautiful miracle, the man behind him. For a moment Alec was brave enough and didn’t care for any personal boundaries when he asked about Magnus’ cat eyes, a question that blew Magnus’ mind.

After Magnus calmed himself, he was able to eloquently circumnavigate the subject and distracted Alec with highlights from his life.

“Amazon,” was his mundane answer. They delivered the lenses monthly. Alec noted that this was quite handy and was pleased enough to let the topic slide. 

Magnus prayed that it would stay that way. He didn’t need another heart attack moment. He added talking to Cat about his heart to his to-do list. His heart rate went unnaturally high and way too fast to be healthy during these wrecking seconds of explaining his 'contact lenses'. And Alec had to think now that Magnus has a stammer. 

It wasn’t a smooth start, but at least Magnus delayed having to deal with this problem. 

Outside the awful storm is long gone and peaceful transquility is spreading now, silencing the tumult in Alec's belly. The morning is slowly dawning and soft rays of the rising sun are highlighting his passenger, giving him a better opportunity to fully check him out. 

Alec doesn’t do that of course. He doesn’t see his soft skin that shimmers golden whenever the sun kisses it. Or how his black eyeliner lets his pupils glow brighter, almost sparkling. Or how his delicious, kissable lips make Alec all squishy inside... 

Alec notices that it is getting more difficult for him to stay focussed. His distraction is sitting on the back seat totally relaxed and Alec can't help but to listen to him in pure awe. Magnus has a family that loves him unconditionally. A fact Alec envies him for.

His accident made him pay with everything valuable in life and on many dark days Alec wished he had rather paid with his life instead. But not today.

Today, Alec feels different. His surroundings seem to be more intense, much more mesmerizing.

His long-forgotten emotions are reawakening, bubbling underneath his skin, pouring through his veins.

They are talking with no embarrassing silences. _Actual_ talking, no small talk. Something Alec doubted that he would be capable of until today, when a stranger came into his life and turned his whole world upside down. 

Alec not only likes their talk but he _enjoys_ it. He can’t imagine being at a better place than being in this cab with this breath-taking man on the back seat. And this, he thinks, is the oddest outcome of all.

For Alec it feels like having a second accident. For the second time he is torn out of his life and born into another one. A life that lets him see glowing cat eyes as a saving light on the horizon during heavy sea. 

And all this happens within a blink of an eye by a magical miracle named Magnus Bane. His personal anchor to whom he will hold on to.

“Then you should meet him. He’ll change your mind easily. First, he fires some medieval curses at you and grumpily demands a tea, but after his third cup he purrs like a British Shorthair. He’ll like you for sure,“ Magnus explains, tearing Alec away from his deep thoughts. 

For a brief moment Magnus closes his eyes, hoping that his selfishness won't backfire one day. And if so, well, then he will gracefully take the consequences. He has no regrets and would do it all over again. 

It was never an option to let Ragnor die in his mansion. Knowing the future is too tempting even for a normally wise warlock like him. Of course Ragnor yelled at him on more than one occasion. He even refused to talk to him for some days, but Magnus' intentions were pure and out of deep love for his friend. Emotions do cloud one’s judgement.

“ _He_ will or ...?“ Alec asks, raising an eyebrow. He looks coyly into the rear mirror. Cat eyes meet hazel-colored ones and time ticks slower for a moment. 

Magnus freezes, too confused and yet enthusiastic about this tingling news. Is Alec openly flirting with him? His Alec? 

Wait, did Alec flirt with him when he made the cat eye compliment hours ago? He didn’t see it as one back then. Instead he was too taken aback and his thoughts were racing too fast. There was no clue to let Magnus think that Alec could be an offensively flirtatious person.

But now?

So, it was flirting, wasn’t it? That’s just absurd, right? But a lot of unforeseen things seem to be happening. 

Mainly the fact that Alec sees the true nature of his eyes. Hadn’t he erased every part of his shadowhunter life? Or is his memory coming back? Or is he blessed by his Angel? And if so, has it always been there or did they give him the sight in compensation for his punishment? 

Or, or, or, or ... So many questions, no damn answers. He needs to find out soon, but how? 

Either way this is exciting and refreshing for Magnus. He is loving this new phase. It’s like having a second spring in which everything blooms and is reborn, yet everything is slightly different. Flowers are blossoming in brighter, neon colors. The air doesn't smell of woody moss but of salty sea and the clouds above are moving to the left instead to the right.

And he can sense how all his dormant feelings are hammering against their prison walls, trying to free themselves from their chains. An emotional overdose that makes him susceptible to the fiery game and he plays along. 

Oh, beautiful hell he will. But no, he can’t. 

He is dizzy and his stomach rides a carousel at a great pace way too fast. The bitter taste of nausea is crawling from within. His thoughts are racing fast in serpentine lines and his heart is painfully on fire.

Of course Magnus enjoys what Alec has to offer. All the excitements, the thrilling news, but it makes him want to cry out in despair and pain at the same time.

All of this doesn’t diminish the pressure that Magnus feels in every second that passes. The belt around him presses his chest steadily tighter and quietly he hears the first rib breaking.

There is so much pressure on his shoulders already. So much is at stake. And he had to pull himself together for hours now, muting his urge to act on his feelings, to just let everything slip out.

Alec drives him insane. No matter in which form or timeline, no matter in which fucking universe.

Magnus’ soul would always long for Alec – his counterpart.

The chaos in Magnus’ head increases, threatening to burst. And Magnus wants to get out of here, overruled by his instinct to run away. The truth is, he’s too weak for this job.

His head isn’t made for this. He isn’t made for this. Literally spoken. 

As a warlock only one side of him has the power to properly process human emotions and feelings. Only his human side can deal with this kind of chaos. His demonic side, especially as a prince of hell, just watches in amusement and laughs at his efforts. 

Accepting his blooming new feelings while trying to master the old ones at the same time, is too much. Magnus fears that his heart won’t last long enough to fully accomplish his goal.

At some point he needs to give in to the urge to feel Alec, to just sling his arms around him and to feel his heartbeat. He wants to smell his cologne and his shampoo. He wants to press himself against him, feeling his body heat and his breath that tickles his neck.

The urge is like an avalanche and Magnus is exposed to it without any protection. It inevitably carries him away, overflows him. He is buried underneath and gasps for air. His chest constricts while the snow is heavily lying upon him. The lack of oxygen makes him light-headed and tired. It’s dark and narrow and Magnus is scared. He screams but nobody can hear him.

Magnus wraps his arms around himself, squeezing as hard as he can until the welcomed pain reaches him and he can leave this awful mental spiral. Stabilizing his mind made him tired.

He needs to contact Jace or Catarina, to release some of his tension. But Magnus reminds himself that Jace is still on an important mission concerning Valentine and Cat has a long shift ahead. They can’t help him.

Maybe he should call it all off. 

But when he finally turns his gaze up and looks directly into warm hazel-colored eyes, he knows what he is fighting for. For whom he’s fighting. 

Alec’s simple presence charges his batteries and Magnus is ready for battle again. 

Alec is worth it. He’s worth everything. 

“A penny for your thoughts?” Alec asks worried. His eyes speak of no judgement, only deep concern.

Magnus furrows his brows and looks out of the window. The morning traffic is in full swing.

A long trail of cars is racing past them. Each one having a driver with their own story, with their own future. 

And here he’s sitting, losing both.

No! He won’t. _C’mon, Magnus, fight!_

“I’m sorry, got carried away while thinking about Ragnor,” he says after a short while.

“Please, don’t apologize. You both have clearly a history, a lot to think about. I understand,” Alec hastily utters, hoping Magnus believes his honest words. Alec never wants to see the dark feelings ever again that crept over Magnus’ gorgeous face when he was visibly in thought.

“But you still owe me an answer!” he sheepishly smiles, trying to distract himself by watching the traffic ahead. He’s too nervous to hear the answer which took so long now.

Magnus blinks dumbfounded. Which answer? Where had their conversation stopped? Oh, oooh!

He clears his throat, fighting the lump there, and kneads his hands. They are sweaty and slightly shaky. _Fight Magnus!_

”He admires beauty the same way I do,“ Magnus purrs, addressing Alec directly who holds his gaze until he has to turn his attention back to the crowded highway. Thrilled, Magnus doesn't miss Alec's blush from ears to nose or the fact that he swallows so hard that his Adam's apple bounces. 

”You should set a date to meet him … together with _you_ ," he hums in excited anticipation, while sheepishly running a hand through his hair. Alec quickly beams a smile over his right shoulder, forcing Magnus' heart to beat two strokes faster. 

Magnus almost melts on the spot, yet manages to smile back, being fondly proud of this Alec. 

Despite being totally flabbergasted, Magnus can't deny his sprouting attraction towards this wilder side of Alec. 

And realization strucks him, leaving him burnt down to the ground.

Not only Alec's look changed during the last six months, but his character, too. 

This might not be his Alec.

Why didn’t he think about this possibility before? They all talked for hours but everyone seemed to be too blinded. Did they get lost in their wishful thinking? Too drowned in their wanted future to comprehend the actual reality?

And now? Does that change anything?

His body doesn’t give a fuck at least. It keeps betraying him, reacting to Alec’s mere presence. Magnus missed this feeling, this tension. Every muscle is ready to burst out in an ecstatic explosion. Being near Alec again does things to Magnus he has no words to describe for. 

But he has to shift down a gear, let the realization sink in that this might be just a body looking like Alec.

No, Magnus doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to be wise and to guard his heart again, to rebuild his walls. No matter who this version is, he will fight. He will plunge head over heels into this new adventure.

Magnus is willing to get to love this soul within Alec’s body. And this soul will love him back. The finality of this strikes him and something clicks into place. He feels lighter as if the ballast on his shoulders melted away. He is no longer afraid of this challenge. He likes to be challenged after all.

His eyes are taking in a slightly different shimmer, are shining like those of a strong warrior. They are ready to make sacrifices and decisions. All the colors of his emotions will shine through his eyes from now on.

He’ll no longer artificially depress his heartbeat once he gets pulled into Alec’s orbit.

He’ll no longer hide having goosebumps all over his body the moment Alec breaches into Magnus’ personal space. 

”So, tell me what was the craziest thing a client has ever done in this cab?“ Magnus asks curiously, patting the seat next to him. He’s in search for an innocent and distracting topic. In addition, the answer will give Magnus his wished information, satisfying his main urge to catch up with Alec's life.

There are still so many unanswered questions, so much darkness to be washed away. Of course Magnus had Maia and her eyes and ears but nobody prepared him for Alec being a complete stranger. He deeply regrets that he could not help him recovering from his amnesia properly. Would that have changed anything?

Alec clears his throat, trying to avoid thinking about that night but a deep blush is crawling up and betrays him.

”If I'll tell you, you’ll stop touching that seat,“ he admits bashfully. Thunderstruck, Magnus looks to his hand lying on the mentioned seat and bites his lower lip to not burst out in laughter. 

”No way, Alec!“ Magnus snickers, more about Alec's blushing than the story he’s dying to hear.

Back then Alec's blush - his different shades of red on his angelic face - was the first thing Magnus had a crush on. He always enjoyed making Alec embarrassed through small innuendos. Magnus is a person who is naturally straight forward, who speaks his mind freely. It is liberating, inspiring to be able to experience this again, witnessing all these first times with this Alec again.

”Well, there were three customers involved,“ Alec whispers sheepishly, avoiding eye contact, „but they were too drunken to actually do … it. Halfway through stripping down they all fell asleep. Their upper-class parents weren't that happy when I dropped them off. Poor boys ... “ 

Magnus discovers a tumult of wildly switching emotions on Alec's face, with empathy as the winner.

”Well, well, well, I hope you had at least someone beautiful to look at,“ Magnus laughs kindly and winks with his right eye, praying that the mood would stay light, but fearing that he might overstep a boundary. 

Of course no god answers and it misses the desired effect on Alec. Instead Alec chokes on his own saliva and tenses up, forcing himself to look ahead. The sun slightly peaks above the distant mountains on the horizon and blinds him. He folds the sun visor down and takes a deep breath, being unable to decide what his next words could be.

It is a simple question but Alec doesn't have a simple answer. Nothing has been simple since the accident and it is overshadowing everything. Not even the best conversation with a gorgeous man can change that. In the end he will yet again be reminded of this horrific day and he is so sick of it.

Six months ago, years over years of precious experiences and memories were erased within a blink of an eye. 

A life was obliterated. His life. And up till now he doesn't know why or how and what is left of him. 

Who is he? Who is the person who looks back at him from the mirror?

His amnesia seems to be a special one. His doctors quickly reached their limits and couldn't and wouldn’t figure it out. And without any social support he was thrown out of the hospital bed faster than he could count to two. 

He was on his own, trying to adjust, to adapt to his new life. Soon he found similarities and differences and was able to categorize his amnesia on his own.

The first category is instinctive knowledge gushing out of his mind. This fed him with enough information to master the first days, then weeks and finally months. It’s ordinary things like that he automatically reaches for certain foods in the store or knows which shampoo he likes. Therefore he knows exactly how to drink his coffee without ever having tried it with a drop of milk.

The second category is an area within his brain surrounded by thick clouds of mist. Alec feels bits of foggy thoughts reaching out to him, grabbing for a lifeline. He feels emotions longingly underneath. Sometimes he can activate a lamp bright enough to lighten up these shadows. 

And the third category holds a space that constantly remains blackend out, concerning everything personal like family, friends, relationships or his former work or home. 

For Alec this is still the hardest part that devastates him once he lets his mind wander.

He doesn't care how he drinks his coffee or how he prefers a damn pizza. He immediately would exchange this knowledge for knowing who and where his family is. Or if he has a partner. Or siblings. Or kids. Or a fucking future to keep on fighting for.

He mourns for the ifs and the possibilities, for not knowing the essentials in life, for not being loved at all.

Love - the topic of Magnus’ question.

This theme emerged from the shadows - his second category.

In a diverse city like New York with all its beautiful variety of people and cultures it is a natural result that he had the chance to deal with his sexuality. He could secretly get in touch with his feelings and desires when occasionally the topic popped up through a customer who got Alec’s attention.

So, he quickly discovered what he prefers.

Whenever he drove a couple, dressed up for a night out, he didn’t ogle at half-bare breasts or tried to peek a look under too short skirts. Instead his eyes wandered to flat chests, strong arms and muscular biceps.

And after his shift, sharp face lines met him in his shower and he imagined strong hands exploring his body, beard stubble scratching against his face, and deep hoarse voices moaning his name while he climaxed. 

It may be pathetic for a healthy man of his age, but this is his strict boundary. He won't go beyond fantasies. Yes, he seems to have a certain physical attractiveness. Customers occasionally ask him out or make a move on him, but he can quickly refer to his professionalism.

But even if he wouldn’t have professional reasons to decline, he sure has enough personal reasons to do so.

How can he be close with someone, getting to know him, when he doesn't know himself in the first place? When he is not at peace with himself?

When his soul is searching for the holy grail?

When his heart is searching for the lost puzzle pieces?

And that is the point when he realizes the huge mistake he made by getting too personal this time.

He doesn’t know why, but getting this close was easy with Magnus. It’s almost like coming home, as if his soul found a match.

But Magnus is his customer, no more, no less. And despite his wish to see him as a friend, his duty is to stay professional no matter if his heart is breaking. This is getting way too familiar.

”Magnus, look,“ he trails off, longing for the possibility to escape his chaos and trying something new, wishing to be someone new. Alec really wants to share his thoughts with Magnus, but his head is starting to spin again. He isn’t ready yet.

Magnus observes their first long silence, sees Alec's tension and his long thinking process. He scolds himself for asking despite well knowing how insecure Alec was about his sexuality. 

Back then, Alec didn’t crawl out of his closet. Not even for him. It was too risky under his parents’ wary eyes, the Clave and the ineffable 'don't ask, don't tell' shadowhunter bullshit. Why did he assume that he was out of the sudden, open minded and in peace with his own sexuality? 

But why did he flirt in the first place then? It’s so confusing. Both Alecs have headache potential, that’s for sure.

Is flirting for Alec impersonal and innocuous and has no meaning in relation to his feelings? Maybe just a bait to get in touch with someone new?

Maybe Alec flirts with every customer? To get more tip. Did Magnus get it all wrong? Is he too biased by their shared history? 

On the other hand, amnesia is the opposite of revelation. 

Perhaps Alec is still floating and freewheeling with his own feelings. Or he’s still struggling and Magnus can't allow himself making any more mistakes, scaring him away. 

Or he had not the time to think too hard about minor topics like this. Survival is his order of the day, of every day. 

_You're so stupid._ Magnus slaps himself inwardly.

It strikes him that he is not the only stranger here, but the cab holds two. 

Two complete strangers on a joined journey to Denver.

Glittering tears are forming in Magnus’ eyes, unable to fall. He suffers in silence.

„Alexander, I am sorry, I shouldn't ... I overstepped your boundaries, “ he trails off as he notices Alec is startling. His hazel-colored eyes pop open. 

Their peaceful time seems to be up.

”What? What did you call me? No-one calls me that!“ he states matter-of-factly.

No one? Alec has no one? Magnus’ heart breaks. He’s an idiot and unworthy of Alec. He let his precious love down for six months. Only out of purely selfish reasons and he’ll never be able to forgive himself for that. And he has to make it up to Alec. Forever.

”What a shame. It sounds just right to me!“ Magnus puts all his honesty in it.

“But … I …“ Alec is gasping, obviously unable to find the right words. He has the urge to turn his gaze away from Magnus, nodding his head vigorously nonetheless. Yes, it feels right to him.

After a moment Alec breaks the silence. He nervously taps his thumbs on the steering wheel. He will be honest. He can be that. 

“I don’t know why, but it feels good,“ he glances briefly through the rear mirror, deeply embarrassed, and sees Magnus smiling brightly.

Being with Magnus feels more than good. It is natural, kind of familiar. He can do that, being the unguarded version of himself.

Confidence is reflected in Magnus‘ eyes and Alec knows he can be honest with him.

“So, Alexander it is,“ Magnus purrs as if he were the British Shorthair not Ragnor. But being able to pronounce Alec’s name the usual way with his usual feelings underlining it, is the best feeling in weeks. He was so afraid to let these word slip over his lips again, but it feels alleviating, it feels like coming home. 

“That’s fine with me.” Alec chuckles low and for a short period of time both men are looking at each other through the rear mirror in awe.

“I don’t want to spoil the moment, but I have to head to the restroom. I’ll have to take the next exit,” Alec apologetically admits. 

“Good idea. I’m hungry,” Magnus happily approves, “And no offence, but I need some fresh air and my limbs are killing me by now.”

“Yeah, you worked hard the last hours, you deserve a break,” Alec teases. 

“Well, as if you did. Sitting on your cute little butt and turning the steering wheel occasionally is no work either!” Magnus playfully protests, smiling brightly. Unsure whether he can use the word after their little disaster earlier. But Alec surprises him with a hearty laugh. Magnus would like to catch this laugh and save it for eternity. He has never seen Alec laughing like this. So openly, without any fear of repressions or boundaries. A real laugh that reaches his eyes. Magnus is able to see cute little laugh lines around Alec’s eyes. Seeing him like this let his own eyes sparkle in pure joy.

“At least my butt enjoys the seat heater,” he retorts and to emphasize his point, Alec shamelessly wiggles about on his seat. Magnus has to suppress the urge not to playfully hit him on the upper arm. Alec’s laugh destroys Magnus’ last retaining wall and Magnus joins him in laughter.

Alec watches the other man through the rear mirror and can't stop thinking that Magnus can’t be allowed to stop laughing ever again. His laughter is too catching and Alec gets hooked, already addicted, and his body is pleading for more. He can feel Magnus’ pure joy radiating off him, transporting his joy and happiness. 

A smile that reaches his eyes and lightens them up, highlighting his contacts even more. 

“After the break I’ll take the seat next to you,” Magnus says with a finality that no one could deny.

“I won’t fight that,“ Alec approves quietly, having an adorable blush on his face that lets Magnus’ knees start wobbling.

“I’m looking forward to it,” Magnus assures with an almost shy smile on his lips. His body longs for the upcoming proximity. 

“Deal!” Alec turns his gaze back to the traffic. He sits behind the wheel and smirks to himself, almost giggling. A status he has deeply missed. A status he can't remember he ever felt since the accident.

It feels almost as if Magnus casted a spell on him. A spell to feel happiness.

This feels good. 

This is healing.

This is coming home.


	4. The way to one’s heart leads through their stomach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sure, I mean, what did we do in the last hours? Besides playing ask and tell,” Alec answers as innocently as someone can pretend to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone,
> 
> I reeeeally want to say thank you to everyone who left a comment or a kudo. Every single one of you made me smile and these smiles stayed there :) I am thankful for that. 
> 
> A big big thank you to my beta Sabine for giving me the greatest support. Thank you for everything 
> 
> Now have fun :)

Chapter 4: “The way to one’s heart leads through their stomach.”

“Oh god, Magnus, this sounds awful,” Alec grimaces fully disgusted as they’re walking from the parking slot to the diner.

“Alexander, you can’t judge something that you haven’t tried before. It’s the same with oysters,” Magnus starts to defend himself, but gets interrupted by Alec immediately.

“Damn it, I’m starving and I wanna _preserve_ my appetite. So please, no more talking about slimy critters that only barbarian people would eat. This gourmet talk takes a very wrong direction.”

“Pizza Hawaii?” Magnus adds quickly, showing a bright smile on his lips. A sight that made Alec instantly addicted hours ago. Those irresistible lips, so soft und delicious. Sweet and kissable. But these lips pass the wrong stuff for sure. _B_ _y the Angels, what a Freudian slip_ … Alec blows out a breath.

“Idiot!” Alec snorts, rolling his eyes dramatically. He trudges quickly to the diner’s entrée, misusing it as a finisher for this part of their conversation and, more importantly, he utilizes it as a shelter to have time to get his body calm down after his thoughts went downwards.

Yes, Magnus fascinates him. In many ways. In too many ways to be healthy if one considers the brevity of time. Four hours now to be precisely and for Alec it feels like he lived through these four hours more intensely than he did in the last six months of his life. Four hours of exposing his soul and exploring a new one named Magnus Bane. And what he had experienced blew his mind, let buds of sheer joy left behind instead, ready to bloom any time soon. He really wants to get in touch with this piece of dream that came true.

He never believed in love at first sight. Never believed in the principle of soul mates. At least not since the accident. There is only one main reason for his grudge against this thought. And that is to believe that there is one true mate for him. Because then there has to be the principle of predestination. That everything is fixed in some way. And why should something as dramatic as his accident be predetermined? Which higher power wanted that? That everything was ripped from him, leaving him naked and bared? So, logically, there is no such thing. Right? Well, ‘never say never’, they say.

But this, whatever this is between the two, will stop where the slime begins. ‘The way to one’s heart leads through their stomach’, they also say. Well, they hopefully mean eating a steak or a hamburger and not creatures crawling through mud.

What is allowed to go on, however, is his irrepressible attraction towards this god-like man. Being with Magnus feels like something beautiful is happening every second. With every breath, Alec swallows a refreshingly new experience and he wants to acknowledge every single one, wants to enjoy his sparkling new quality time. For the first time in six months, he is actually living, feeling whole and alive.

And yes, his body reacts. More forcefully than he had ever felt before.

But with these new butterflies in his belly, the predators come along, with their hungry mouths, trying to destroy all good. All his fears are rising up, fighting for power. Alec tries to resist this overwhelming force, as hard as it is.

No, he won’t fall back into these dark thoughts and all his insecurities that he had once left behind. Instead, he will try to open himself up, making this work between the two of them. He deserves to be happy, right?

“This is getting nasty. Let’s better talk about how you eat your Belgian waffles. I don’t know why, but I have a strong craving for them. Or at least for something more _common_ than your fancy French stuff,” Alec says while he nonchalantly holds the door open for Magnus who nods gratefully.

Magnus wasn’t prepared for this comment, but he can calm himself fast enough before Alec has a chance to notice his slip. But still, he cannot suppress the goose bumps that slowly work their way up his back. The cozy warmth that melts his heart. Something inside of Alec is triggered by Magnus’ presence and this gives him the needed confidence. He will use this to his advantage that is for sure. _This will work_ , he assures himself. The fight for Alec’s heart is on and Magnus won’t lose it.

“And please, if we’ll ever go out on a date. Let me choose the restaurant. For no special reasons of course,” Alec blurts out with a mischievous smile on his lips, deeply blushing because of the very close proximity when Magnus passes by.

In mid step, Magnus turns around and raises his eyebrows, totally taken by surprise. “Is this some weird form of asking me out?” He can smell Alec from this close, his very unique fragrance that he would scent out of thousands of other people. Alec’s warm breath gently strokes his cheek and lets his nerves tickle enthusiastically. The taller man’s radiating body heat turns Magnus’ engine to full speed. He has to be careful that this doesn’t end here and now in a total mess, with him kissing Alec, taking him by complete surprise.

Alec clears his throat and looks at Magnus intensely. He tilts his head slightly, taking a long moment to think. “Well, this whole trip feels like a huge blind date, doesn’t it?” Alec answers, not waiting for a response. Instead, he continues his way to one of the free tables at the glass front, leaving a confused Magnus behind.

Meanwhile, Magnus struggles to get his frozen body and shocked soul going so that he can follow Alec. Indeed, his shadowhunter surprises him again and again. He can play that _game_ as well. Actually, he is the master of endearments, getting Alec to blush in pure embarrassment more often than he can count.

When he arrives at the table, he is greeted by a broad beam that makes his heart skip a heartbeat. Or two.

“Blind date, huh?” Magnus asks with a slight grin while he sits down. He can’t, he _doesn't want to_ let the topic get swept away anytime soon. This is the moment. Now or never. He might slow down his body but his mind can play along with Alec.

“Sure, I mean, what did we do in the last hours? Besides playing ask and tell,” Alec answers as innocently as someone can pretend to be. Clearly, Alec has ulterior motives, but Magnus can’t decipher them yet. If he tries to decode them, he’s sure that he would reveal himself and his mindset too much. So, he can’t force the topic too much. Magnus has to be very clever. But it’s very frustrating that he can’t read _this_ Alec and his motives.

“What about evolving a friendship?” Magnus replies to him while holding Alec’s gaze. His eyes are piercing him, almost trying to break through Magnus’ surface. But he nods to himself, establishing a friendship is a proper step two. Magnus finally found a good starting point to recapture his life together with Alec. Jace would be so proud and deserves at least a message, telling him about the success so far.

“Isn’t that exactly what a blind date is for? Finding out whether the person has the potential for a partnership, friendship or none of those things?”

Magnus stares at Alec in bewilderment, blinking heavily. Words have never felt so brutal before, like a hard slap against his face.

Alec has a point but the scope of his words doesn’t exactly make Magnus’ work any easier. Damn it! Magnus' thoughts are racing wildly in circles, always coming back to the point that Magnus fears the most.

He never dared to ask that question.

But there is always a first time. Unfortunately, this point of no return came much earlier than he would like it to happen.

No matter how much his heart is suffering and screaming to never walk down that dark road, the bag is now open and the cat ran away already.

What if Alec doesn’t consider him _worthy_?

What if he is none of those two options? Just a flirt? Or even worse, just a customer?

Just no! This is not an option. He refuses to accept it.

He looks at Alec, searching for an indication, a sign that could show Magnus what Alec is seeing in him. But his gaze is vacuous and his retaining walls are plainly up.

Magnus has to get through to Alec, needs him to open up. The question is how?

He watches how Alec’s gaze wanders around the diner, and Magnus desperately tries to find out what’s going on in his mind.

“This diner looks exactly like the one where I always spend my nightly breaks in,” Alec utters as he finds Magnus’ eyes, trying to keep the conversation going.

He instinctively knows that something is rumbling inside Magnus. Something has clearly shifted inside of him. The golden glimmer in his cat-eyes changed the shade, but nonetheless Magnus’ warm gaze stayed the same. How is that even possible?

“There is a mundane cliché that all diners must adhere to,” Magnus explains kindly and Alec can’t suppress a hearty laugh. Does Magnus have a habit of explaining stuff as simple as that to anybody? As if he were used to teach normal life to someone special. He doesn’t explain things in a derogatory or judgmental way but with much needed empathy and understanding. But who would not know that? 

Him - six months ago. 

Then, he had been at a point where he needed to sort everything out by himself, explaining the world to himself with no helping hand. Magnus would have been his knight in shining armor, helping him with his compassion that he really would have needed back then.

Yes, he wishes he had someone like Magnus by his side back then.

He wishes he had _Magnus_ by his side.

No, he wishes he _had_ Magnus by his side _now_.

Oh boy, he’s screwed.

“Right, Professor Bane. Thank you for this informational lecture, sir,” Alec chuckles, playfully patting the back of Magnus' hand, giving him all reason to choke on his own saliva.

Alec’s touch forces his skin to tingle electrically. The electric shock penetrates his skin and passes into his bloodstream from where the high voltage paves its way towards his brain. It pushes Magnus’ body from zero to 100 within a millisecond.

Overrun by an innumerable amount of inputs, his mind is flooded by diverse stimuli, images, smells, feelings and touches. Everything keeps swirling around in a wild dance. His mind jumps randomly from the past to the future and back and a stabbing pain emerges in his temples, causing him to curl up briefly in agony, leaving him in a state of pure misery.

He jerks his hand away and holds it against his head. Warped in pain, he closes his eyes. _Breathe_ , he reminds himself but he cannot find a proper way through the fog. His alveoli are screaming for oxygen but there is no help.

Panic creeps up inside of him, intensifying his despair. Adrenaline rushes through his stream with his lung as the aim, finally allowing him to take a breath of relief. _1 … 2 … 3 …_ he forces himself to breath in. _3 … 2 … 1…_ he breathes out slowly.

“Magnus? … Magnus!?” _Who’s calling his name?_ He stretches out his arm, hoping to get hold of the figure who calls out for him.

Then, finally, a gentle touch. Warm and cozy. A fierce anchor to hold on to. A strong force that can pull him out of this devastating swamp. He just has to trust it. Trust, that one will save him.

He grabs on tightly, clinging himself to the lifeline, and pulls the person towards him.

This warmth.

This closeness.

This feeling.

Everything so familiar, so beneficial and healing.

And suddenly, he regains control over his body again. The unbearable pain - as if a sharp knife was stabbing his head - disappears and he opens his eyes carefully.

Concerned hazel eyes look at him, watching him closely.

Alec’s arms are holding him, clutching tightly, not letting him fall to the ground.

Alec’s torso is pressed against him, stabilizing him. He must have jumped up and rushed to his side immediately, steadying his upper body so that it couldn't fall to the side. His eyes speak of countless questions, reflecting his honest worries.

Questions, Magnus isn’t allowed to answer.

“You’re okay?” Alec’s whispered words echo in his head.

_Oh, screw the Clave!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)


End file.
